VALENTINE’S  DAY  AFTER  LOSS 

When we are in love on Valentine's Day, then all is right with the world.  I have had some incredible Valentine's Days.  There were many cards and flowers and, they were always left on the table so when I woke up and went into the kitchen for coffee,  I would see them first thing.  These were left out the night before because Randy Polk was not an early riser.  He had enough of that in the Air Force.  From the first celebration in 1984 (we started dating in March of 1983)…

INJUSTICE 

A black woman challenged me today that I was not doing enough to get justice for George Floyd because I did not march in Abilene's protest. 

I didn't march because it didn't occur to me. To my nonwhite brothers and sisters, I am sorry. If I knew that a small act could have brought you peace and healing, I would have been there. I am very familiar with the sting of prejudice. I have been persecuted because of my religion and gender my whole life. It's not fair, and I hate it. As a mediator, I have…

The best way to get someone to trust you is to listen. By listening sincerely and patiently, you tell them with your actions that you are safe. You have proven that you won't be jumping to conclusions or judging them before hearing their point of view. You also are confirming that you care about them because you are willing to give them your time and attention. 

It is healthy to hear other's perspectives and realize they are valuable even if they do not agree with you. The ability to be a great listener…

When Does Self-Care Turn into Self Indulgence?

I am a huge fan of self-care!

I lead a weekly group keeping first responders accountable for their self-care. I also lead a workshop on self-care to prevent depression, isolation, addiction, and burnout which is so common in careers continually exposed to secondary trauma. Police, nurses, therapists, and caregivers of all kinds are at the highest risk. I regularly receive secondary trauma from helping victims of violent crimes with conflict resolution and…

Why do we mistreat the ones we love the most? 

Why can we suck it up at work and give excellent customer service,  we smile at the patient that cussed us out, encourage the student that asks the same question three days in a row only to come home and scream at our own kids, give our spouse the cold shoulder, and ignore the dog?  And if we work in a profession such as law enforcement or nursing or therapy where we are chronically exposed to trauma how does that affect our relationships? 

Secondary…

Mediation is not just for divorce. 

Wouldn’t it be great if we learned mediation techniques in premarital counseling?  Wouldn’t it be great if we taught our children how to self mediate?

Conflicts will happen in the best families and the best relationships.  The question we should ask ourselves is, “Is this a dysfunctional conflict or a functional conflict?”

A functional conflict is still a conflict.  It’s hard to face, but in the end will produce growth, honesty, creativity, and respect in a…

We went to Post to celebrate Randy's Aunt Norma’s 90th birthday.  I have been going to the little town of Post, Texas since Randy and I were engaged in 1985. That was the year he first brought me home for the Polk’s Christmas.  It was quite a culture shock for this Chicago Jew.   I had never seen so many presents, and people, and fried food in one small space. There was so much laughter and singing. Different Polk’s would take their turn playing the old piano totally by ear and the rest would gather…

Honestly, after Randy Polk died, my precious husband, if I was going to have to remain on this planet without him I wanted to at least make a difference.  My world suddenly changed in late 2013 and I saw everything differently.

First, I suddenly was hyper-sensitive around couples.  I was either jealous because they were both still alive and seemed happy or I was angry.  I was angry because I heard so many couples mistreating each other and taking each other for granted.  They actually didn’t listen to…

The biggest misconception that the Western world has about communicating with the bereaved is that they don’t bring up the loved one for fear it will upset them, so they say nothing.  Hear me and trust me they are already thinking about the loss 24/7 for a long time and if you do not say at least, “How are you doing since you lost your husband, wife, mother, father…,” then you will appear uncaring.  Use the deceased name; do not pretend they never existed. 

After my husband of 27 years died suddenly all…

The most important communication tool you have is listening. There are several actions you can take to engage in better listening skills.

First, the best way to listen is not to respond immediately.

Actually count in your head for ten seconds while nodding or giving some other nonverbal cue that you are activelylistening. 

Next, paraphrase or summarize what you heard the other person say. For example: "I heard you say I love you, is that correct? ". What the other person actually said was, “I love…