When Does Self-Care Turn into Self Indulgence?

I am a huge fan of self-care!

I lead a weekly group keeping first responders accountable for their self-care. I also lead a workshop on self-care to prevent depression, isolation, addiction, and burnout which is so common in careers continually exposed to secondary trauma. Police, nurses, therapists, and caregivers of all kinds are at the highest risk. I regularly receive secondary trauma from helping victims of violent crimes with conflict resolution and…

Why do we mistreat the ones we love the most? 

Why can we suck it up at work and give excellent customer service,  we smile at the patient that cussed us out, encourage the student that asks the same question three days in a row only to come home and scream at our own kids, give our spouse the cold shoulder, and ignore the dog?  And if we work in a profession such as law enforcement or nursing or therapy where we are chronically exposed to trauma how does that affect our relationships? 

Secondary…

Mediation is not just for divorce. 

Wouldn’t it be great if we learned mediation techniques in premarital counseling?  Wouldn’t it be great if we taught our children how to self mediate?

Conflicts will happen in the best families and the best relationships.  The question we should ask ourselves is, “Is this a dysfunctional conflict or a functional conflict?”

A functional conflict is still a conflict.  It’s hard to face, but in the end will produce growth, honesty, creativity, and respect in a…

We went to Post to celebrate Randy's Aunt Norma’s 90th birthday.  I have been going to the little town of Post, Texas since Randy and I were engaged in 1985. That was the year he first brought me home for the Polk’s Christmas.  It was quite a culture shock for this Chicago Jew.   I had never seen so many presents, and people, and fried food in one small space. There was so much laughter and singing. Different Polk’s would take their turn playing the old piano totally by ear and the rest would gather…

Honestly, after Randy Polk died, my precious husband, if I was going to have to remain on this planet without him I wanted to at least make a difference.  My world suddenly changed in late 2013 and I saw everything differently.

First, I suddenly was hyper-sensitive around couples.  I was either jealous because they were both still alive and seemed happy or I was angry.  I was angry because I heard so many couples mistreating each other and taking each other for granted.  They actually didn’t listen to…

The biggest misconception that the Western world has about communicating with the bereaved is that they don’t bring up the loved one for fear it will upset them, so they say nothing.  Hear me and trust me they are already thinking about the loss 24/7 for a long time and if you do not say at least, “How are you doing since you lost your husband, wife, mother, father…,” then you will appear uncaring.  Use the deceased name; do not pretend they never existed. 

After my husband of 27 years died suddenly all…

The most important communication tool you have is listening. There are several actions you can take to engage in better listening skills.

First, the best way to listen is not to respond immediately.

Actually count in your head for ten seconds while nodding or giving some other nonverbal cue that you are activelylistening. 

Next, paraphrase or summarize what you heard the other person say. For example: "I heard you say I love you, is that correct? ". What the other person actually said was, “I love…

I do not know if cats go to heaven, but I know one that came from heaven.  Two days after Randy’s funeral I was sitting in my family room, which was no longer a family room, because the head of our family was gone. I told my loved ones that I would get 10 cats and dogs and pour myself into that life.  This is a good example of why you don’t want to make any major decisions while deep in grief.  The next day Justin, our oldest son who was much too young to have lost his father, was sitting on the front…

Love Is (almost) Enough

Care and feeding of a Healthy Marriage 

       For hundreds of years, poets and songwriters have devoted themselves to defining, glorifying, and praising the virtues of Love.  A certain Princess Factory in Florida (whose name rhymes with “Whizney”) has a staff of artists, “Imagineers” and musicians working overtime to create images of Love conquering dragons and evildoers, and Princes that can fix everything with a kiss.

       Love is, of course, worthy of all this effort…

In the state of Texas, like most states, the courts try to ensure that both parents get to parent—which means holidays can get complicated. Often, this ends up looking like alternating Thanksgivings, the Christmas holiday gets split in half, and every other year, that pattern switches, too. It’s no surprise how many times I hear, “What do you mean I can’t see my baby at Christmas!” or “She always goes to my parents’ this time of year!” or “He won’t be able to see his cousins!” When I listen to these…